Near Disaster via Facebook

The other day, I wanted to edit my privacy settings for my facepage on facebook (is it called facepage? that would be the most logical thing to call it, in my humble opinion).

I asked one of my gChat friends for advice on how to restrict how much my "fake facebook friends" ("fff") see on facebook. We all have those people that asked us to be "facebook friends" with them, but you really don't want to be friends with them. You can't not friend them. At they very least friend them at first and then delete them later. Anyway, I wanted to set a restriction for my "fff" so that my pictures and inappropriate "wall" posts wouldn't be visable.

My friend suggested I make a group for these people. Once I have a group, I can change the privacy settings. I go into the groups and make a "People I don't really like, but have to be fff with" group. And then once I made the group, facebook said (in a deep husky voice) I have to invite people to it. That sounds weird: "Congratulations! You've been invited to join the 'People I don't really like, but have to be fff with."

You know what I learned? Creating a group is not how to change your privacy settings on Facebook.

Nail clippings

Every time I cut my own nails (when I fight the first world urge to pay someone to cut my nails and paint them), I can't help but think of nail bitters. When I'm throwing that little pile of nail clippings away in the garbage, I think of how you nail bitters have basically put that in your mouth and chewed it for awhile BY CHOICE. BY CHOICE!

I don't know how you nail bitters do it.

Feedback from coworkers

My ability to be perceived as not drunk when blitzed says more about what I'm like sober than what I'm like when I've been drinking.

Better than an Hallmark card

♫ On mother's day, I'd like to thank my mom for all that she has given me. I especially treasure my high tolerance for alcohol, my crazy personality, and the perfect shape of my rear end. Thanks Mom!

What's in a name: 420 edition

I was remembering the most awkward introduction ever and I'm not even going to go into how horrible this dude looked dressed up like a lady.

This kid was like, "Hi, I'm Bob." We were like, "Hi Bob." (Yes, I did grew up in like LA.) "You can call me Bongalicious Reefer." (or something to that extent.)

"Okay Bongalicious Reefer. How'd you come up with that name?" Wink Wink.

"Well it was a nickname I gave myself as a child before I knew what reefer really was."

What child does that? Seriously?

It's like pirates, but different

We decided to get drunk on a sailboat last Friday.

Trouble was that the guys we booked the sailboat with thought we were genuinely interested in sailing. (No dude, it's just drinking, on a boat, in the sun. That's it. That's all we want.)

So we learn how to raise a sail. Great. Where's the beer and wine again?

After we raised the sail: "Congrats you guys. You are half-ass sailors."

"Not only do I speak like a sailor, but I am a sailor now." Priceless.

It was a sign

There's a short school bus parked right outside my house. It's like the gods know I have a day of drinking in store for me.

How to spot a tourist

You can easily spot a tourist where I live. They're wearing a Hawaiian shirt, have a big belly, are wearing shorts, carrying a camera and looking lost. - friend's mom

HaHa -- us

And that's just the ladies. -- friend's mom

Shorthand

Found: F/U ANAL
Location: Scribbled on a conference room whiteboard at work

The meaning of this F/U ANAL was puzzling at first. And then puzzling for a long time after that. Then funny. Really funny. HaHa consultants, you are funny!

Then not so funny. Follow Up Analysis.

Old lady on the plane story, this time without urine

The old lady sitting next to me on the plane tonight was ready People magazine or some other high quality publication.

She starts reading an article on the danger of something or other, and looking puzzled, asks me what this word means, pointing to "sexting."

It reminded me of the time when I was like 11 and went to see "The Bodyguard" with my friend and her mom. After the movie, I asked my friend's mom what the word "masturbate" meant, as that was referenced in the movie. She told me to go ask my parents, so I did. I probably should have told this old lady to do the same.

I told her I had no idea what "sexting" is with a shrug and watched as she found out what "sexting" was through reading the article, with a bit of horror in her face.

You know you work too much, if...

Last weekend, I tried to go to work. My door pass was not working. I was PISSED. I wanted to take a BASEBALL BAT to the door.

But then, I realized that I was getting upset over not being able to work on the weekend. I laughed and ate a cupcake to celebrate.

Only at a drag show...

I can see your testicles under that dress.

Men and meat cliche

The guy behind me at the grocery had a 100-pack (rough estimate) of hot dogs, several bags of hot dog buns (variety of both regular and potato buns), a bag of chips and a 24-pack of Budweiser. He looks at me (probably because I had a look of horror on my face) and says "This is what men eat. I'm all set for the week."

I turn around to look at my things (yogurt, a couple of oranges, ice cream, and brownie mix). I wanted to tell him this is what women eat, but most women I know don't eat at all, so I couldn't confidently state my statement.

For once, it wasn't me who said it

"You're so big and fat!" exclaimed to a well-fed dog on the sidewalk, who happened to be a few steps away from a really big and fat human.

Overheard at a corporate holiday party

"Let's have all the vagetarians come forward."

Was that a butchered "vegetarian" or....

Reminder

It's not all about being someone, it's about meaning something.

Innovative

♫ Paper made from poop! http://www.poopoopaper.com/

Lagging technology -- holiday card envelopes

I can't understand how we can put a man on the moon, but can't make envelope glue taste good.

I'm done with holiday cards, no more envelope glue for me.

Thanksgiving traditions

I've found a new cranberry recipe and my family will no longer eat cranberry sauce with ridges.

Best drunk text from a stranger

And I miss you and I love you.